


chasing things that we should run from

by CallicoKitten



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: M/M, angst because that's all i can write apparently, cap 2 spoilers, i made poor life choices, seriously spoilers everywhere
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-30
Updated: 2014-03-30
Packaged: 2018-01-17 12:29:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1387645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CallicoKitten/pseuds/CallicoKitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve wakes up with a ringing in his ears and a knife pressed to his throat. It takes him a few moments to remember where he is, the light from Sam's room is still on and Steve can just make out Sam's sleeping figure through the open door. Bucky's crouched over him, a shadow just out of the light's reach. </p><p>Steve shifts a little and Bucky presses the knife closer, "<em>Stop following me</em>," he hisses. </p><p> </p>
<p>In which Steve goes after Bucky.</p>
            </blockquote>





	chasing things that we should run from

**Author's Note:**

> cap 2 was like the only good thing to happen to me lately so i may have projected all my bad feelings onto Bucky but come on, who doesn't love Bucky angst? this isn't the fic i set out to write and im not happy with it but its 2am so meh. i tried to stick to mcu canon so natasha doesn't know buck which was implied, right?
> 
> title from "tethers" by chvrches 
> 
> unbeta'd and written on my ipad so there might be bizarre errors because it likes to change words for no reason.

"So, where to first, Cap?" Sam asks, bag slung over his shoulders. He's got his Falcon gear back, Steve called in a favour with Stark, who pestered them with questions until Pepper reined him back in and he fixed them up. Added a few new toys too. Steve doesn't really remember what he added though, everything's been whited out by the roaring in his ears and the ache in his chest that's been ever-present since that mask clattered to the concrete a week ago.

Bucky.

_Bucky._

He's still reeling. Still can't quite wrap his head around it. 

"Steve?" Sam prompts. They're at Sam's house, sat in his tiny kitchen. Steve hasn't been back to his apartment since this whole mess started, there are probably still bullet holes and blood on the floor. Bucky always had been a good shot. 

"Europe," Steve says. "Natasha got intel about a few places Bucky might lay low." 

Sam inclines his head with a smile, "Well okay, Europe it is. So, uh, you got a more specific location? Europe's kind of, you know, _big_." 

Steve's pretty sure Sam's still more than a little uncertain about this, but he hasn't said anything yet. Natasha, on the other hand, has been regularly been texting him definitions of various words meaning ghost or impossible to find. She's balanced it out with the intel but she's made it perfectly clear that she thinks this the dumbest thing he's ever done ( _even more moronic than that time you decided to pilot a plane directly into the ice_ ). They've gone through all the files SHIELD had on the Winter Soldier too, but aside from a few blurry photos, a list of hits attributed to him and Pierce's records, there's nothing much of use. 

"Natasha says Ukraine."

Sam whistles, "That'll be fun."

Steve hums, "You don't have to come, you know."

And Sam snorts, "What? So I'm meant to leave your stupid ass to get shot somewhere in Europe? No thanks. Do _not_ want that on my conscious. Besides, I'm pretty sure Natasha would kill me if I didn't come along to hold your hand."

-

Kiev turns out to be a waste of time. They don't learn anything new but they do find one of the labs Hydra kept Bucky in in cryo. There are videos and files but they're all in Russian and Natasha hasn't answered his calls in a while. They hear about a sighting in Belarus, a few in the Baltics, one in France. None of them are anything more than whispers but they're more than nothing.

They trash the lab, well, Steve trashes the lab while Sam watches, and move on. City to city, country to country.

He gets a call from Hill in Krakow when their leads have run dry, she's at Stark Industries now, has managed to get a few of SHIELD's satellites back up and running. Steve's not sure how he feels about that but Hill is someone he trusts (tentatively) and she's willing to help him out. She runs a few facial recognition programmes through some of the more major cities across the country, gets a hit in Moscow. 

He always knew they'd have to go to Russia but it's not exactly the kind of place he'd like to visit.

They miss him in Moscow, find another Hydra lab but it's already been destroyed, torn to pieces, files scattered everywhere, bodies fresh on the ground.

"Think it was him?" Sam asks, one hand on the gun at his belt. 

"Could have been," Steve mutters, bending to inspect a bloodied photography. A shot of Bucky after the fall. He's never thought of Bucky as small, never. But in that photo he looks it, pale, dazed, wide-eyed. It makes anger boil and twist in his gut, he's never wanted to hurt anyone more than the people who did this to his best friend, to _his_ Bucky.

-

He tells Sam about Bucky, while they're holed up in tiny hostels under false names. He's never really felt the need to do it before, talk about Bucky to people, maybe at the start he's trying to justify himself but he knows he doesn't need to, Sam gets it. Always has.

Steve tells Sam _everything_. He doesn't exactly mean to but it pours out of him in the quiet moments between sightings. The day he met Bucky, who lived a few floors above him and saved Steve from getting his neck broken by a few older kids, the day they moved into a shitty one room apartment and Bucky talked Steve into enrolling in art school ( _you'll be a **sensation** sometime, Steve. Make it big and we can get the hell outta here._ ) the day Bucky shipped out.

"So, uh, what're we planning to do when we catch up with him?" Sam asks on the road to Moscow. 

Steve has no idea.

-

They're in St Petersburg the first time they spot him. It's a packed street, Bucky freezes and open fires. Steve panics for a second before he realises that Bucky's missing deliberately, aiming anyway but at them directly. Barton's with them, he's been working in Europe since New York, he minimises the casualties least. 

They don't catch Bucky though and Sam takes a slug to the arm. It's nothing serious but it bleeds a lot and Steve freaks a little, if it had been a few inches to the left it wouldn't have hit Sam's arm and this woulda been a whole lot more serious. 

Natasha calls him after and he tries and fails to be mad at her for the radio silence. He's not sure how she's been keeping tabs on them until Clint smiles guiltily at him on the way out of their rickety old safe house to scrounge up some food.

"You're going to get yourself _killed_ ," she says, voice faint and staticky. 

"Am I hearing things or is that _worry_ in your voice?"

She scoffs, "You're hearing things, Rogers. But seriously, Steve, be careful."

"I _have_ to do this."

Natasha sighs, "It wasn't your fault, you know. He followed you because he wanted to, because he believed in you."

"His belief in me got him brainwashed and made into an assassin," Steve says, fists clenched (there's still blood under his nails, Sam's blood.) 

"He would have followed you whether you wanted him to or not, you inspire that in people."

"I inspire people to follow me to their deaths?" 

She makes a soft noise, not quite a laugh but halfway there. "You inspire people to do what's right, Cap." There's a pause and then she says, "Look, just because he dragged you out of that water doesn't mean he's fixed. If anything it makes him more dangerous, trust me, I know what it feels like to have whole worldview changed in a few hours." 

Steve runs a hand through his hair, it's been a long few weeks and a _really_ long day. "He wasn't trying to shoot me today. I think even Sam was an accident." 

"But he still shot _at_ you, Steve. He'll get more desperate, you know. This is dangerous."

He doesn't want to fight with her, he's too tired, he could hang up but Sam's out of it in the next room and Clint might not get back for a while, he needs something, _someone_ to ground him. "You never gave up on Barton when Loki had him," he points out quietly.

"I owed him a debt," Natasha parrots but the words sound hollow now, her uncaring facade is slowly fading. _Love_ , she'd told him once, in the middle of a highly sensitive mission, _Loki thought I was **in love** with Barton._ She'd been laughing but he'd caught the tail end of too many shared glances between her and Clint to believe her. He's pretty sure Natasha knows he knows but it's never come up between them.

"I owe Bucky a debt too." 

-

Bucky never kissed him until after the serum and even then he'd been drunk, so fucking drunk. Him and Howard both. 

Steve had escorted them back to their tents, dumping Howard off while Bucky swung from his left arm, slurring and leaning against him. Howard had made a few unprofessional remarks about Steve and Peggy that had made Steve's cheeks burn. They'd been halfway back to their tents when Bucky had stumbled to a halt and tugged at him insistently, eyes suddenly wet and desperate, "I love you, Steve," he'd said, "You know that right?" 

Steve had been bemused, "Yeah, I know, Buck, now come on. Let's get back to the - "

Bucky had shaken his head, opened and shut his mouth a few times before yanking him down and crashing their mouths together.

Steve knew Bucky had been with guys before, they'd never exactly discussed it before but it had never bothered him much (except for low anger in his gut that burnt dully whenever he stumbled upon Bucky pressed up against the wall by some nameless guy that Steve never understood.) Now, he'd call it jealousy. 

Steve was still and after a few moments Bucky had moved to pull away, apologies half-formed on his lips until Steve had come to his senses, yanked him back and kissed him again, clumsily. Buck tasted like cheap liquor and beer and he kissed desperately, making little noises that Steve would never be able to get out of his head. 

They'd never spoken about it, Steve didn't even know if Bucky remembered.

-

Steve wakes up with a ringing in his ears and a knife pressed to his throat. It takes him a few moments to remember where he is, the light from Sam's room is still on and Steve can just make out Sam's sleeping figure through the open door. Bucky's crouched over him, a shadow just out of the light's reach. 

Steve shifts a little and Bucky presses the knife closer, " _Stop following me_ ," he hisses. There's no trace of a Russian accent in his words, it's Brooklyn through and through.

Steve swallows, "Buck," he begins. 

Suddenly, Bucky's springing off him, knife still held threateningly aloft, "I'm not _him_. I saw the exhibit, I read all about him. I'm not him."

Steve sits up slowly, hands held up and spread, "Alright, alright," he soothes. 

Bucky glares at him, looks him up and down. "Stop following me," he repeats, quieter now. "Or you'll end up like your friend in there, only worse."

"You know I can't do that," Steve says carefully.

Bucky makes a noise of distress, tears at his hair, " _Why?_ " he spits. Steve sits up further, swings his legs out of the bed but Bucky goes rigid again, " _No_ ," he barks, "Stay where you are."

"Okay! It's okay, I'll stay still." 

Bucky glares at him, then growls in frustration and starts to pace.

Steve doesn't move, keeps his hands palm down on his knees while Bucky walks back and forth in front of him. Bucky looks unarmed but for the knife and there are at least three weapons in Steve's reach if this turns nasty. There's a whole case of sedative if he needs it and Clint should be around here somewhere.

"How do I know you?" Bucky snaps, coming to a halt and raising the knife again.

"We grew up together, " Steve says slowly. "In New York, Brooklyn. You were my - "

Bucky growls, "Lies."

"It's the truth and you know it, Buck."

" _Not_ him!" He's breathing heavier now, there's a fevered look in his eyes, Steve swallows again. "He _died_ ," Bucky says, "Your friend is dead."

"No, I thought so to but he didn't. He's just lost," Steve says. If he makes a move now he can probably get the knife away from him, subdue him enough to hold him down until Clint gets here. But before he can Bucky's on him again, with a strangled yell, one hand tangled in Steve's hair, yanking his head back and the knife back at his throat.

There's a war going on in Bucky's eyes

" _Why won't you get out of my head?_ " he hisses through gritted teeth, half despairingly. 

Steve takes a breath, collects his thoughts to reply but Clint chooses that moment to make an appearance. The arrow thuds into Bucky's side and with a roar of pain he's gone, out through the open window. By the time Steve gets to the window he's long gone, vanishing into the dark streets.

He rounds on Clint, "I said not to kill him!"

Clint arches an eyebrow, "How about 'thank you, Clint, for preventing my death at the hands of a severely damaged ex-Soviet assassin?'" He runs a hand along his bow string, "Relax, Cap. I didn't hit anything important _and_ ," he pulls out a tiny device with a flashing beacon on the screen, "the arrow head has a tiny tracker on it. Even if he yanks it out the tracker should still be in there. And if that fails there's always the fact that now he's wounded he'll slow down. Still no thank you? Don't know why I bother."

-

The next time they catch up with Bucky is three days later in Vilnius. He chases Bucky until Buck can't run anymore, clutching his side, leaning up against an alley wall and eyeing Steve like he's a cornered animal. They lost Sam at some point during the chase and Clint's gone back to whatever the hell he'd been doing in Europe in the first place. 

"Go _away_ ," Bucky growls, he's brandishing a gun this time, a pistol. Steve's not sure if he's got any bullets left. Bucky's shaking, the whole of him, trembling.

"You know I won't," Steve says and Bucky growls again. "Come on, Buck. That wound's starting to look nasty, I'm guessing you haven't had much time to clean it out."

"I would have if you'd stopped following me!" 

"Bucky come on, just let me look - "

" _I'm not Bucky_!" He yells, "Stop calling me that! He's dead! I'm not him!"

"Okay, I won't call you that," Steve assures but he's not sure what else he can call him. "Just let me look at your side." He edges closer and Bucky backs up, drops the gun in his haste and the knife comes back out. 

"I'm not gonna hurt you," Steve says, "I promise."

"I don't trust you," Bucky says, he's flat against the wall now and Steve can tell by the look in his eyes that he's weighing up the pros and cons of trying to get past him. Fear must outweigh whatever pain he's feeling because he lunges clumsily, catches Steve on the arm. Steve grabs him by the wrist, twists his good arm behind his back and the knife clatters way. The metal arm whirs and clamps down on Steve's other arm and if it had been anyone else Steve's sure their bones would have shattered. He bites back a groan, jabs Bucky in the side with his knee and Bucky yelps.

"I'm just going to look at it," Steve repeats, pressing Bucky up against the wall. Now he's closer he can feel how clammy Bucky's skin is. "You can leave right after, I promise."

He doesn't expect but Bucky relents, goes limp in his grasp and nods almost imperceptibly. Steve lets him go, half expecting him to bolt but he doesn't, he just looks warily up at Steve, jaw clenched. He's not wearing heavy black armoured clothing he wore before, he discarded that long ago for a ratty black hoodie and jeans. Steve reaches for the hem of the hoodie, pauses to meet Bucky's eyes before he lifts it up.

The wound is well on its way to getting infected, bound hurriedly in thin, dirty bandages and angry red. It looks like its torn a few times too. 

Steve sighs, "It might need stitches. It definitely needs cleaning out. I have a med kit back at my room - "

"No," Bucky snaps. "I let you look, now let me go."

"It's going to get worse, Bu - " he catches himself but Bucky still bristles. "Just let me patch you up. I owe you this, you saved my life." 

Bucky looks at him for a long time, "If your friend is there I'll kill you both." He says eventually. 

-

Steve texts Sam on his way back, tells him what's going on. Sam doesn't sound happy but he dies as Steve asks, makes himself scarce. _Just be careful Cap,_ he texts.

Bucky follows a few paces back and when they get there he lingers in doorway, glancing around like that stray cat Bucky had brought home that one time. They never had manage to tame it completely, it had slept on Steve's bed and eaten out of their hands but it still scratched on occasion. He directs Bucky to the bed and pulls out the med kit. 

"I, uh, don't think we've got any pain killers."

"It's fine," Bucky says gruffly, keeping a wary eye on Steve.

Bucky doesn't flinch when Steve slathers the wound in antiseptic cream. "You know, when we were kids, me and Bucky, we used to get scraped up a lot like this. There was this one time where you - uh, Bucky, was showing off and he climbed one of those walls with broken glass in it, you know them?" 

Bucky doesn't reply, he's looking everywhere but at Steve.

"Anyway," Steve continues, reaching for curved needle and thread. "Bucky got to the top and 'cos he's such a moron he decided to stand up and this neighbour kid, Joe something, threw something at him. I think it was a stone or something and he fell on ass, right into that glass." 

There's a sharp in take of breath when the needle pierces his flesh but aside from that Bucky's still quiet.

"Boy, did he scream."

"Did not," Bucky mumbles, his eyes are slightly unfocused and Steve bites back his grin.

"He did so. He only stopped when he realised Libby Martin was watching. We didn't have the money for a hospital back then so I took him to my mom, she was a nurse, that's actually how I learnt to do this. She was so mad I thought she'd explode."

The ghost of a smile flutters across Bucky's face.

"Took her almost two hours to get all the glass out and then she had to clean them out with iodine. I had to help her hold him down he was screaming so much. Thought the neighbours would call police on us."

"Old Mrs Phillips called my mom instead," Bucky says quietly. "I was so scared they'd be mad but they just laughed."

"Yeah, I remember that," Steve smiles. "Your dad was pretty mad though, when he'd stopped laughing that is."

"You laughed too, thought you were gonna have an asthma attack you laughed so hard."

Steve chuckles, "Only once I knew you'd be okay."

"Dad said he'd save up all my spankings till I'd got better. I couldn't sit down properly for a month."

Steve laughs, "Got you out of school for a while though, until Miss Heller came and dragged you in."

Bucky's laugh sounds a little like a sob, "I told her I'd been attacked by a wolf and Mattie Bomner thought I was a werewolf for a month."

Steve stands up, "Yeah, Buck, I remember that." He says gently. 

Bucky's eyes meet his for a moment and it's _Bucky_ , for a few seconds it's Bucky but then he blinks and his narrow. He springs up and Steve steps back, raises his hands defensively. 

"You said I could go," Bucky says.

Steve's heart sinks. "Yeah, you can go." He says eventually.

Bucky crosses to the door and pauses, turning back, "Don't follow me."

-

"I had a cat once," he tells Natasha during their next call. She starts to protest but he continues, "Bucky found it in an alley and brought it back. The first few times we brought it in it freaked, wouldn't calm down till we let it out. We learnt that we had to be patient and leave the door open. Just let it come in in its own time."

She sighs, "So, the Winter Soldier is an alley cat in this scenario?"

"Pretty much, yeah."

"In my experience cats aren't so handy with machine guns and knives and, you know, killing people." 

-

They do some work for Hill and Fury while they amble after Bucky, they're trying to set up a SHIELD based organisation again, this time more about protection than weapons. He's heard Coulson - who's apparently alive - is helping out and Sam's talked about joining them when they get done with this. 

Bucky's still moving cities every few days, Steve makes a point of making his presence known but they're not going after him directly yet.

"Seriously, Cap," Clint says when they run into him in Munich. "Just let me shoot him full of tranquilliser and take him home. It'll be a lot less painless than this dumb cat and mouse thing you've got going at the moment." 

It's not like Steve hasn't considered that, it's just well... "He'd never trust me again," he says and Clint rolls his eyes.

-

It's two weeks till he sees Bucky again, jerks awake to find him leaning over him once again. This time there's no knife, no gun. He sits up slowly and licks his lips, "You okay?" 

A look of confusion crosses Bucky's features and then slowly he shakes his head, "Why can't you leave me alone?" He whispers.

"Well, you came after me this time," Steve points out.

Bucky nods and shuffles his feet, eyes fixed on the floor. "They told me you were dead," he says quietly, voice a little raw. "When I woke up after - after I fell, they told me you were dead." 

Steve stands slowly, "Yeah, they said that about you too." 

"I _am_ dead," Bucky murmurs, running one hand through his matted hair. "I _should_ be dead."

"You're not dead, Buck," Steve says, edging closer. 

"I'm _not_ \- " Bucky begins but voice shakes and he falls silent for a moment. "I'm not... Not anymore. He was - he was good."

Steve has no idea what he's meant to say that.

Bucky tugs at his hair again. "I don't know who I am anymore," he growls. "There are all these _things_ in my head and I can't work out what's real anymore." He looks up at Steve, "Why are you doing this to me?" He asks, desperately.

Steve's heart hurts, he wants to - wants to make this all go away, he wants Bucky back. He wants Bucky safe and happy and _better_. He'll destroy Hydra for this. He'll track down everyone of them who did this and tear them apart, stitch them back together and do it all again. He steps closer and Bucky goes rigid, reaching for the knife at his belt.

"Hey," Steve says, "It's okay, I'm not gonna hurt you." 

Bucky must believe him because he deflates a little, arm falling limply to his side. With his other hand he scrubs at his eyes. "Don't know what to do anymore," he mumbles. 

Steve's right in front of him now, it's all he can do not to yank him into a hug. He reaches out slowly, giving Bucky time to move away if he wants to. When he doesn't Steve lets his hand rest lightly on Bucky's shoulder. Bucky sighs, leans into the touch.

"Thought you'd come for me," he says quietly. "You came for me before, I remember, but you didn't - Thought you'd save me again. I tried to - tried to get away but I couldn't and - " he's shaking again and Steve pulls him a little closer. "Missed you, Steve," he says, letting his forehead rest on Steve's chest. "Missed you a whole fucking lot." 

Steve's mouth is dry and is voice cracks, "Yeah, I missed you too, Buck."

He doesn't how know how long they stand like that, at some point Bucky stops shaking and Steve tightens his grip and he thinks this is it, he's done it. He's got Bucky back. 

But then there's the feeling of a blade being pressed to his stomach and Bucky says in a cold, quiet voice, "I could gut you right now."

Steve closes his eyes, "If you're going to kill me do it now." He says softly and the blade is pressed harder until Steve feels blood well up around it and he grits his teeth a little.

Bucky pushes him back with a strangled cry and tosses the knife away, "WHY CAN'T I KILL YOU?" He cries, there are tears in his eyes now and he's tearing at himself, at his clothes, at his hair, at his skin. "Why, why _why_?" 

Steve watches wide eyed, hand at his side, the knife didn't go too deep but he's pretty sure he'll need stitches. 

Bucky sinks to his knees, "Why!?" He demands, "Why can't I kill you? I've killed - " he breaks off, swallowing wetly. "I've killed so many people Steve. They were just targets - just missions but now ... I can remember _all_ their faces, Steve, all their names. They weren't evil - not all of them and I..." He covers his eyes and Steve kneels down beside him.

"Buck, it's alright, it wasn't your fault," Steve begins, reaching out for him again but Bucky reels back from his touch, "DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME!" 

"Okay, okay," Steve says. Sam'll have heard that for sure, he'll burst in any minute and Bucky'll bolt.

"I'm no good, Steve," Bucky's saying, "I'm just a weapon - not even _that_ \- you just - "

There's a shuffling noise and Steve looks up to find Sam in the doorway, pistol half raised. Bucky hadn't noticed and Steve shakes his head sharply, Sam looks unimpressed but he stays still and Steve turns back to Bucky.

"Buck, you know you're more than that," he says carefully, "You know who you are, you're not their weapon."

"I _am_ \- I can still hear his voice in my head. All those people - they said - they said I almost stopped you from saving a lot of people."

"It wasn't your fault," Steve says. 

Bucky looks up at him, eyes bright, "Doesn't matter, I still did it." 

"It wasn't you, that's not you, Buck."

Bucky cuts him off, teeth gritted, "Yes, it is."

Steve takes a breath, Bucky's eyes are fixed on him. He swallows, "Okay, maybe it is. But it's not _all_ of you. You're still Bucky and we can fix this." 

" _No_ ," Bucky growls. 

Steve leans towards him but his side protests and he groans. Bucky jerks, glances down, "I _hurt_ you," he says, with a strange kind of horror in his voice. He backs away, still on his knees until he comes up against a wall, "I'm not _safe_ , Steve. You can't save me."

"He's not wrong," Sam says quietly. Bucky goes rigid, looks up at Sam wide eyed. Steve doesn't even have the time to stand up before Bucky's at the window. 

"Bucky, stop!" Steve yells, begs, _pleads_.

"I _can't_ ," Bucky says, and then he's gone. 

Sam thunders past him, gun at the ready, "Cap, do I shoot yes or no?" 

Steve's head is spinning, the roaring in his ears is back.

"Yes or no, Cap?" 

_You can't save me_.

"No," Steve says faintly. "Don't shoot him, Sam." 

-

"If this was a little deeper you'd be in real trouble, Steve," Sam says later, while he's patching Steve up. He's angry, Steve can tell but Sam won't say anything, not about this. Steve hums noncommittally.

"All done," Sam says, sitting back.

Steve smiles weakly, "Thanks." 

"So, where to now? We following your boy or what?" 

"No, we'll leave him be for a while. Hill has work for us."

-

Hill's work turns out to be taking out a Hydra base in the German countryside, it's just him and Sam and Clint against a legion. Steve throws himself into the fight, it's reckless and stupid and it leads to him being pinned down outside the base by twenty men.

He's giving it his all but they keep coming. He's cracked on the head from behind and everything goes dark for a moment, when he can see again there are seven guns pointing at his face. He readies himself to fight when there's a soft thud and one of the men falls, blood haloing out around his head.

The other men spin around, searching for the sniper. 

They fall one by one and then Steve spots him.

(And it must be a dream or a flashback or maybe he's just dead and this is his twisted idea of heaven because Bucky's up in those trees covering him just like old times.)

The last man standing cottons on and fires in Bucky's direction but he hit the floor before Steve can grab his shield. When he glances up Bucky's gone, vanished into the trees.

They get the kids out, the ones Hill sent them for, pale wide eyed things. The girl looks anywhere but at them and the boy meets their eyes with a steely resolution until he shimmers backwards and gasps like he's had all the air knocked out of him. 

"They were experimented on," Hill tells him later. "We're not sure what with but we have an inside man in Hydra now, we've got a good idea of where Von Strucker is. You up for another mission, Cap?" 

-

They don't catch Von Strucker, even after they find five more Hydra bases. Five more missions that end in bloody shoot outs with half the enemies being picked off by an unknown agent. 

The last one is a mess. 

The agents know they're coming, they're ready for everything and even though Steve and Sam have been joined by a few more ex-SHIELD agents they barely make it out of there alive. They lose four agents, six more wounded severely, two'll probably lose a limb. They don't even catch Von Strucker.

"Where the hell was your shadow, Cap?" Clint asks, there's blood on his cheek and he's limping. "We coulda used him today." 

Steve shakes his head, "Must have left early." 

"No," an agent nearby says, "the sniper? They made him. Couple of guys went after him and he ran." 

_Shit_ , Steve thinks, _shit_.

He's still got the tracker somewhere but it's back at their camp, "Which way did he go?" He demands and the agent pales and points vaguely into mountainous surroundings. Steve takes off running, ignoring Clint shouting after him.

-

He finds the first body a few feet away from the base, throat torn out. There's a trail of blood on a rocky track. There's a rifle another few feet away.

He finds Bucky on the edge of a ravine, sitting on a rock. There are six bodies around him and his metal arm his clamped across his chest. "Hey," he says faintly. 

"Jesus, Buck," Steve murmurs, he stumbles closer, crouches in front him and pries the metal arm away. There's a growing dark stain on the jacket Bucky's wearing (and he doesn't flinch away from Steve's hands.) Steve fumbles with his radio, Stark's running evac for them, he'll need a med team ready. 

"What you doing?" Bucky asks.

"Calling a doctor," Steve mutters, pressing Bucky's arm back onto the wound. "Clint? Clint, I need you to have a medic team ready, I got him, okay?" 

"Want me to send someone up, Cap?" Clint answers immediately. 

"Yeah, that'd be good."

Clint signs off and Steve moves to sit beside Bucky, puts an arm around him and Bucky sighs. "Ran out of bullets, Steve," he murmurs, leaning heavily against him. "Used to be able to fight off twice this many." 

Steve runs a hand through Bucky's hair, "Getting slow, huh? Must be old age," he says quietly.

Bucky laughs weakly, "Fuck _you_ , I'm only a year older than you, punk." 

"Yeah, well we're both the wrong side of ninety. No one'll blame us for being a little rickety."

Bucky sighs, "Why do you always have to get your stupid ass messed up in stuff like this Steve?"

"I was doing just fine before you came back, idiot." 

Bucky's going limper and limper, he turns his head slight, rests his forehead in the crook of Steve's neck.

Steve holds him tighter, "You gonna let me help you now, Buck?"

"'M doing just fine on my own."

"Yeah, I can see that," Steve smiles a little. There are voices coming up the track now. "Hold on, Buck." 

"Where we going, Steve?" 

"Home. You want that, Buck?"

There's a long silence and then Bucky sighs, "Fine. Long as you stop bugging me about it."

"It's a deal."

-

It's a long road when they get back home.

Stark offers to put them up at the tower but Steve waves him off, heads back to his long empty apartment. It's been fixed up by someone, kept neat and clean. He packs all his stuff and heads to another apartment in Brooklyn, Hill set it up and Tony insisted on installing new security systems. 

Bucky doesn't sleep for the first three nights, spends his time pacing the apartment. He only sleeps when Steve begs him too and he doesn't sleep long, jerks awake mumbling Russian at least three times a night.

(They're sharing a bed, Steve knows people would find that weird but him and Bucky slept on the same shitty mattress in their tiny apartment back in the '30s and then they shared a tent, it just feels right.)

Sometimes Bucky loses it, Steve'll wake up sometimes with a gun in his face or the apartment torn to pieces and Bucky will scream and rage against him until he tries himself out and Steve'll text Tony again thanking him for the sound proofing. 

Sam gets Bucky to go to veteran meetings, a Steve goes with him and Bucky never says much but Steve thinks it's helping. 

-

He doesn't work up the pluck to kiss Bucky until they've been Stateside two months. They're making headway on Steve's list, watching their first ever Tarentino movie, it's not really Steve's thing, he's seen enough real blood for a life time. Halfway through the film he works out that Buck's not entirely with him anymore, his eyes are vacant and unfocused, jaw a little slack.

This happens a lot, Bucky gets lost in his own mind and it's getting harder and harder to yank him back.

"Buck?" He prompts gently, shaking his shoulder. There's no response and he's not sure what makes him lean in but he does and after a beat or two Bucky comes back to himself, kisses back. 

It's searing and it's perfect and he's waited _decades_ for this and by the way Bucky's kissing back he's felt the same.

-

"So," Natasha begins the next day, she's working for Hill same as him, and today they're looking into recruitment. "You know back when I kept asking if you had anyone special?" 

Steve damn near drops his mug, "Please tell me Stark doesn't have recording equipment in my apartment." 

Natasha snorts, "Like I'd need video evidence."


End file.
